Normally when I write a blog, by the time I reach the end the title will have presented itself to me, it just comes naturally. Sometimes though, that doesn’t happen. My last guest blog about the process of interviewing for the charity adverts was one of those pieces where the title remained elusive.
I reached out to the other UKCVFamily volunteers to see if they could come up with something, and they did NOT disappoint. The suggestions that came through gave me so much inspiration beyond the task at hand and here we are, acting on that inspiration.
I wrote that I felt I needed to volunteer to be in the adverts, and I now understand why. What happened to each of the injured and bereaved is at best controversial, at worst something that should not be discussed. Of course, it absolutely should and needs to be discussed, and that’s where there is a problem.
Many have had experiences that make that little inner critic query if they should continue to mention what happened to change their health and life circumstances. Sometimes it’s an eye roll or an awkward silence, sometimes it’s incredulity, others it can be a vicious word or an angry rant. Perhaps even a comment that the other doesn’t mean to be harmful, such as ‘I’ve had 6 and I’m fine, how weird’.
This is probably a good point to raise the elephant in the room: censorship. This is global, it’s oppressive and it’s unjust. But it’s real and it means that quite often it doesn’t matter just how much we talk about what happened to us, we still go unheard. The censorship was such that it took me nearly 2 years to find UKCVFamily. I struggled, really deeply struggled, to survive that period, believing I was the only person in the world suffering in the way I was.
Have you ever been in a group social situation, having a conversation, and you speak but are spoken over? Then you slowly fade off from your sentence as everyone listens to the person who spoke over and after you? You’re left feeling put out and a bit ticked off. The more that happens, the more it impacts you mentally; You may start believing that you’re not worthy, that you’re not important or that you don’t matter. You feel incredibly small and insignificant. THAT is what happens when you are not seen or heard.
You may be reading that and thinking ‘she’s really experienced that, she knows exactly how it feels’. And you would be right, because I’m vaccine injured. Some people though manage to hold onto their voice and the belief that it can make a difference, even if no one is listening right now.
Since being injured I started journaling, and those journals I posted to an anonymous blog that I didn’t share anywhere. I didn’t think anyone would care to read them and I worried about being judged. One day my therapist encouraged me to own that blog because my voice mattered, and that my experiences, not just with the vaccines, could truly help others.
For over 3 years now I’ve continued sharing my blogs for the world to see and it’s been a huge step in my healing. The greatest thing is receiving messages (from my very small reach) to tell me that my sharing my deepest, darkest thoughts with the world, and being so vulnerable, has helped others feel less alone. Or that they’ve shared a specific blog with their loved ones to explain what living with a vaccine injury is like for them.
I’m just little old me, one person in a sea of thousands. Imagine the outcome should all our voices be heard.
That’s why I needed to volunteer to be a part of the UKCVFamily advertising campaign. Not just to be a voice for those who fear theirs will go unheard, but to be heard and seen myself.
My life and the ugliest parts of my being revealed through this experience are out there for the world to read. I am no longer ashamed of my story or my voice. For me it was a no-brainier to sit for an interview and put a face to that voice, because out there, in this hugely unaccepting world, are others who are so afraid of going unheard that they are silent and aren’t receiving the support they deserve.
I know my voice has power. I know every voice in these adverts has power. I also know that every single voice in this community has power and deserves to be seen and heard. They deserve to be held and nurtured, the way that Claire nurtured myself and others throughout this process. The way that UKCVFamily and its members hold and nurture everyone around them, to ensure they have a home where they are truly seen and heard.
UKCVFamily allowed us, the unheard and censored, to share our stories with the world with kindness and compassion. The best we can hope for is that they are received in the same way.
We didn’t choose this life, we each had plans, goals, and dreams which we now grieve. Instead, we carry each other as a community while we try and find our place in a world that doesn’t have one for us yet. That doesn’t mean we don’t belong; it just means our work isn’t finished yet and that work starts with getting more people to see us and hold us with the kindness and compassion that this community is built on.
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